Friday, September 14, 2007

Evil, Thy Name is Dentist

Thursday I had an appointment with my dentist to fix a hole that was in my tooth. A piece of my filling fell out about seven months ago, and since then little bits of my tooth and filling have fallen out from time to time. I've never been to dental school or anything, but I'm guessing that can't be good. I was scheduled for a possible root canal depending on how close the decay was to the root. Since all dentists are sadistic and evil, if they have a chance to give someone a root canal, they'll do it. Dentist man started drilling my tooth and when he finished he announced "Looks like we'll need to do a root canal. Muhahahahaha!"

Let me say right now that I don't like dentists. At all. They have no redeeming qualities at all. That may be painting them with a pretty broad brush, but I don't care. I guess the hate started early when one Halloween I received a toothbrush from the local dentist instead of candy. "A toothbrush? Where's my candy you weirdo?"

Before they could do it, I had to sign a sheet that gave them permission to perform the procedure. I'm guessing they don't count on people reading those things, but I did just to see what was on it. It said something like "I give Dr. ----- to perform technical term for a root canal. I understand that this dude is going to drill a freakin' big hole in my tooth and down into my gums, tearing out nerve tissue as he goes. I understand that if I cry during the procedure, Dr. Whozit can videotape my weeping and share it with his other evil dentist friends. I am also aware of the following complications that may occur during or after the procedure:
Permanent numbness in tongue, cheek, lip, gums, head, shoulders, knees, and toes.
Instrument breakage in tooth
Possible need of additional root canal if decay returns
Marsupial attacks
Mild discomfort in gums"

I signed the thing, and they started at it. They turned on the TV that was in the room so that I could watch it during the procedure. I don't think they considered how hard it is to watch or hear a TV with two people working within three inches of your face using tiny yet loud vacuums and drills. It was a nice gesture though. The dentist drilled out three quarters of my bad tooth out and then started poking around at the nerve or something. He would poke it, I would twitch and he'd ask if I felt it. "Ummm, yeah, couldn't you feel my hatred for you burning a hole into your soul? Oh, that's right, you don't have a soul because you're a dentist."

I tried not to look at the drill bit he was using to get the nerve out, but it was hard not to see it since it was like twenty seven inches long. Surprisingly the huge drill didn't hurt as bad as when he got his little poking hook out and tried to get me to confess to toilet papering his house in July. When he had the nerve out, he said it kept bleeding and wasn't sure why. He took another look and said "Oh I know why, there's some nerve tissue in there." He dug it out and then asked me "Do you want to see some nerve tissue?" Do I want to see nasty bloody pieces of my face that will probably gross me out? Sure. It looked like a piece of raw meat, which was kind of disappointing because I was hoping it would look cool. Oh well.

He finished pretty quickly, and so far I still have feeling in my face, which is a plus. I get to go back in two weeks to have him to finish it up, and to pay him more money. Woo hoo! After I paid my bill and was on the way out the door, I noticed a jar of suckers with a sign that says "Take one". It's a dentist conspiracy man!