Saturday, June 09, 2012

Bundling Up

We recently switched our satellite service to DirecTV. Why? Because I don't want a grandson with a dog collar.

When we switched the guy told us "In two weeks you can call AT&T and bundle your Internet service with your TV". Sounds simple enough right?

I wait the required time frame and gave AT&T a call. The friendly automated voice guy helped me get to the department I was looking for. "Easy as pie" I thought. The department answers with a recorded message: "Our business hours are between 8 and 7 weekdays and 8 and 2 on Saturday." since I was calling at 1:30 A.M. after I had quit working for the day I thought that was reasonable.

I called back on Saturday. This time my kids were awake to help me get through the automated voice recognition system.

Automated System: "I see you're calling from xxx-xxx-xxxx. Is that the number you're calling about?"

Soni (from the bathroom): "Daddy can you wipe my bum?"

Automated System (we'll call him Pete): I'm sorry I didn't get that.

Me: Hold on a minute I'm on the phone!

Pete: You want more minutes on your wireless plan? Ok, you now have 2000 minutes a month, your bill will increase by $150 per month. Goodbye.

Me: What? Pete?

I called back after I perform my fatherly duties. This time I kicked the kids out of my room to avoid confusing Pete.

Pete: What can I help you with? Say something like "I want to pay my bill".

Me: I want to bundle my Internet.

Pete: I'm sorry, I don't understand. Try saying something else.

Me: Can I talk to a person?

Pete: Sure, but before I transfer you I need to know what you're calling about.

Me: I want to bundle my Tv

Pete: You want to eat at Applebee's?

Me: Ahh come on!

Pete: I don't understand.

Sadie, our obese golden retriever: Woof woof (translated to "I'm going to eat some tissues out of the garbage now.")

Pete: Ok, you want to bundle your Directv? Let me transfer you.

At this point I am transferred DirecTV's automated system. We'll call her Joy for one of those ironic nicknames.

Joy: What can I help you with?

Me: I've lost the will to live.

Joy: I can help you with that.

Me: I bet you can!

Joy: Hold on, let me transfer you to a representative.

Ok, I'm making progress here. So I thought. Joy transferred me to a nice call center lady that could not help me. She typed up a note and transfered me to some guy that sounded like he was taking my call from his parent's basement. Let's call him Abe.

Abe: What can I help you with today?

Me: Ok, I want to bundle my Internet plan with my DirecTv package.

Abe: Ok, hang on.

I waited while Abe made some clicking noises that I assumed were keyboard strokes and mouse clicks, but in hindsight I am positive he was playing Call of Duty. Not another word came from Abe. Next thinI know the phone goes silent for a few seconds. What do I hear next?

Joy: Welcome to DirecTV

Me: Nooooooooooooo! Abe, I will hunt you down!

Joy: I see you've lost the will to live. I can help you with that.

We are not bundled yet. I'm going to give it another go with Pete and Joy today. What could go wrong?

Sunday, May 27, 2012


Brooks told me to post something on here. We went to her house to have our bi-monthly nerd meeting. Dungeons and Dragons were played as well as a game called "Don't sink my sub, bro!" The sub sank, bro.

A new euphemism was created. "I'm going to go kill the kraken." Thanks, Brandon!

That's all I've got. Thanks for the good eats Brooks! I think I gained like 5 pounds.