Saturday, June 09, 2012

Bundling Up

We recently switched our satellite service to DirecTV. Why? Because I don't want a grandson with a dog collar.

When we switched the guy told us "In two weeks you can call AT&T and bundle your Internet service with your TV". Sounds simple enough right?

I wait the required time frame and gave AT&T a call. The friendly automated voice guy helped me get to the department I was looking for. "Easy as pie" I thought. The department answers with a recorded message: "Our business hours are between 8 and 7 weekdays and 8 and 2 on Saturday." since I was calling at 1:30 A.M. after I had quit working for the day I thought that was reasonable.

I called back on Saturday. This time my kids were awake to help me get through the automated voice recognition system.

Automated System: "I see you're calling from xxx-xxx-xxxx. Is that the number you're calling about?"

Soni (from the bathroom): "Daddy can you wipe my bum?"

Automated System (we'll call him Pete): I'm sorry I didn't get that.

Me: Hold on a minute I'm on the phone!

Pete: You want more minutes on your wireless plan? Ok, you now have 2000 minutes a month, your bill will increase by $150 per month. Goodbye.

Me: What? Pete?

I called back after I perform my fatherly duties. This time I kicked the kids out of my room to avoid confusing Pete.

Pete: What can I help you with? Say something like "I want to pay my bill".

Me: I want to bundle my Internet.

Pete: I'm sorry, I don't understand. Try saying something else.

Me: Can I talk to a person?

Pete: Sure, but before I transfer you I need to know what you're calling about.

Me: I want to bundle my Tv

Pete: You want to eat at Applebee's?

Me: Ahh come on!

Pete: I don't understand.

Sadie, our obese golden retriever: Woof woof (translated to "I'm going to eat some tissues out of the garbage now.")

Pete: Ok, you want to bundle your Directv? Let me transfer you.

At this point I am transferred DirecTV's automated system. We'll call her Joy for one of those ironic nicknames.

Joy: What can I help you with?

Me: I've lost the will to live.

Joy: I can help you with that.

Me: I bet you can!

Joy: Hold on, let me transfer you to a representative.

Ok, I'm making progress here. So I thought. Joy transferred me to a nice call center lady that could not help me. She typed up a note and transfered me to some guy that sounded like he was taking my call from his parent's basement. Let's call him Abe.

Abe: What can I help you with today?

Me: Ok, I want to bundle my Internet plan with my DirecTv package.

Abe: Ok, hang on.

I waited while Abe made some clicking noises that I assumed were keyboard strokes and mouse clicks, but in hindsight I am positive he was playing Call of Duty. Not another word came from Abe. Next thinI know the phone goes silent for a few seconds. What do I hear next?

Joy: Welcome to DirecTV

Me: Nooooooooooooo! Abe, I will hunt you down!

Joy: I see you've lost the will to live. I can help you with that.

We are not bundled yet. I'm going to give it another go with Pete and Joy today. What could go wrong?