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Saturday, June 09, 2012

Bundling Up

We recently switched our satellite service to DirecTV. Why? Because I don't want a grandson with a dog collar.

When we switched the guy told us "In two weeks you can call AT&T and bundle your Internet service with your TV". Sounds simple enough right?

I wait the required time frame and gave AT&T a call. The friendly automated voice guy helped me get to the department I was looking for. "Easy as pie" I thought. The department answers with a recorded message: "Our business hours are between 8 and 7 weekdays and 8 and 2 on Saturday." since I was calling at 1:30 A.M. after I had quit working for the day I thought that was reasonable.

I called back on Saturday. This time my kids were awake to help me get through the automated voice recognition system.

Automated System: "I see you're calling from xxx-xxx-xxxx. Is that the number you're calling about?"

Soni (from the bathroom): "Daddy can you wipe my bum?"

Automated System (we'll call him Pete): I'm sorry I didn't get that.

Me: Hold on a minute I'm on the phone!

Pete: You want more minutes on your wireless plan? Ok, you now have 2000 minutes a month, your bill will increase by $150 per month. Goodbye.

Me: What? Pete?

I called back after I perform my fatherly duties. This time I kicked the kids out of my room to avoid confusing Pete.

Pete: What can I help you with? Say something like "I want to pay my bill".

Me: I want to bundle my Internet.

Pete: I'm sorry, I don't understand. Try saying something else.

Me: Can I talk to a person?

Pete: Sure, but before I transfer you I need to know what you're calling about.

Me: I want to bundle my Tv

Pete: You want to eat at Applebee's?

Me: Ahh come on!

Pete: I don't understand.

Sadie, our obese golden retriever: Woof woof (translated to "I'm going to eat some tissues out of the garbage now.")

Pete: Ok, you want to bundle your Directv? Let me transfer you.

At this point I am transferred DirecTV's automated system. We'll call her Joy for one of those ironic nicknames.

Joy: What can I help you with?

Me: I've lost the will to live.

Joy: I can help you with that.

Me: I bet you can!

Joy: Hold on, let me transfer you to a representative.

Ok, I'm making progress here. So I thought. Joy transferred me to a nice call center lady that could not help me. She typed up a note and transfered me to some guy that sounded like he was taking my call from his parent's basement. Let's call him Abe.

Abe: What can I help you with today?

Me: Ok, I want to bundle my Internet plan with my DirecTv package.

Abe: Ok, hang on.

I waited while Abe made some clicking noises that I assumed were keyboard strokes and mouse clicks, but in hindsight I am positive he was playing Call of Duty. Not another word came from Abe. Next thinI know the phone goes silent for a few seconds. What do I hear next?

Joy: Welcome to DirecTV

Me: Nooooooooooooo! Abe, I will hunt you down!

Joy: I see you've lost the will to live. I can help you with that.

We are not bundled yet. I'm going to give it another go with Pete and Joy today. What could go wrong?

2 comments:

Brooks said...

Me, myself, I don't want to sell my hair to a wig shop...

Cam, you've done it again! I actually snorted and woke Josh up. Nothing better than a conversation that includes, "I've lost the will to live." Classic!

While we're at Our crusade to get rid of automated customer service, how's about this "prove you're not a robot" business?? I go through at least 3 codes each time I do this... Nothing like squinting for. 20 minutes to distinguish a 3 from a 9 only to find out it was a B. Great. Back to the drawing board and Internet bundling...

Mandy said...

I loved my directv back when I had it and I used to call to put it on hold during e summer months when we were too busy to stay home and watch tv. I always reached a person when I answered the question with the magic words "cancel service." You are then immediately connected to a person so they can try to talk you out of canceling. We're all too busy for tv now and are content with getting the free digital channels from our antennae and using Netflix.